Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
