im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
