Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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