girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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