yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
