I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
