I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
