JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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