you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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