mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
