my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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