I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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