made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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