when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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