I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
