Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
