she woke up with a sticky ear
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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