We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
COCAINE IS GR8
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
