I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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