He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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