Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
