i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
