I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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