I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
