I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
