great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
