so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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