Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
