ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
