Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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