Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the condom got lost in my hair
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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