A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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