is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
