The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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