i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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