I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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