When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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