Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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