hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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