I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
