I wish I could teleport
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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