i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
