the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
