just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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