So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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