I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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