drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
