Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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