I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
