I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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