the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
